Not everyone is lucky to have a great family always backing up when in need without asking anything in return , inspite of all good there are bad patches in life which are unforgotten nor can be repent ...
Wondering if this is what life is, some goods, some bad, some great and unforgettable moment and some moments which you would like to delete from the book of life .......
When i see back, in last 32 years journey has been sometimes smooth and sometimes tough for me , i wont say it as bad period but i could find lot of hurdles which i had to overcome to really make my path clear ...
As a person ... i really do not think when i do things for good cause nor i look at the consequences ...The target is to do good without expecting any returns out of it ... What I believe is not a practical behavior in today's world but that is what makes me different from others ....
The target is not proving some that I am good but to make people realise that god have made you capable enough to help the needy and do it without thinking room much about returns.
Anyhow I don't want to stretch this as everyone has their own thought and opinion to see the good and bad.
Returning to my journey I see myself a child in initial days who had everything but good friends , who had loving parents and siblings and a big family but still alone among all...
I see myself as a teenager with no good looks , dumb and an introvert person with lot of anger within, don't know for whom but for myself or for god who made me like this...
A dumb student always depressed as I never knew what I exactly wanted and had been struggling to find it but never got it.... After passing my SSC I struggled to get admission in colleges due to ugly numbers in SSC..but god had thought something for me and I got an opportunity to do diploma from some private and autonomous engineering college.
This was a starting of my new journey but still I was confused on what was going on...but I decide to learn and make sure I be the best in what I was doing and the journey continued till I got the graduation degree in computer science.
Now the biggest challenge was how to get an job and I struggled for months to get a job but as I told god had different plans for me...after these small hurdles my career started with consulting firm and then with oracle corp ...
Sooner I realised I wanted to grow in life be a rich man, take care of family and responsibilities of my siblings...I hence decided to resign from oracle and fly to states for better prospects... My dad was a role model for me I always found him holding my finger when in need ... He somehow arranged for initial deposit of 3.5 lac rupees to send me to states and no sooner I was in states fulfilling my dream and making sure everyone back home are happy ....
Sooner I started to realise that I had become a money printing machine and no one cares for me but everyone wants money ..I was wrong when my parents told me u leave the job and we will take care of you life long ....this was enough for me to be bold and I wanted to come back to my family...
Hence I decided to come back to india and start a new job and stay with my family...but as I had been telling life had different plans for me, I got an offer to join oracle corp once again when I was in States and the offer was to come back india and join oracle corp in Bangalore...
I was satisfied and I joined back oracle again but I was still away from family...worst part is my dad don't like to travel and he has this mind set that he can't live anywhere then in Mumbai... But my mother kept travelling when needed and helped me in getting settled down...
Suddenly I saw my life had taken a sudden turn and my father asked me to visit Hyderabad to see a girl for my marriage...since it was casual I went Hyderabad to see the lady with whom I did not want to get married to in the worst of indecent clothes so that I get rejected by her...but again life had different plans for me...
When I saw the girl she was not beautiful but she was decent , truthful, and loyal , she was adorable..I can't forget that day with her our first meeting...mai uski Saadgi pe flat ho Gaya tha...but still I wanted to give second chance for my thoughts... Hence I met her again and this time I truly wanted to decide if I really liked her or not. I went to her apartment , her mother opened the door and asked me to sit. My eyes were searching for her and she appeared in specs in front of me ... I was surprised and amassed with her ...
I started liking her the way she was but I always dreamt of a beautiful lady , very gorgeous...hence I was not able to decide if I should listen to my heart or what was set in my head...and suddenly my brother calls to find out if it is yes or no from me....and surprisingly I messaged him yes I like her...
I heard what my heart told me....
No sooner then I got married to her ...I don't know under what circumstances she agreed to marry me...:)
But since beginning I knew she don't liked me and she had compromised her life for some reason and had settled with me... This is true till date. Reasons apart.
I had plans to go Thailand for honeymoon ....but it wasn't really good as my wife was shy or uncomfortable during honeymoon but she enjoyed the outings, the cruise, the under water , the beech etc ...
Due to some reason her expectations with me was not met and we started to have regular fights and somehow a cool temperament guy like me have started converting to evil , the anger was uncontrollable and things started changing...
She use to find faults in everything , in me , my family , parents, siblings ...as if she always searched for reasons to fight . I knew this was nothing to do with my family but was more to do with i not meeting her expectations.... and till date i am not able to be a person who can meet her expectation...
I never understood one thing , was this change , this expectation necessary ... as i told earlier i am a firm believer of been happy with small things happening around and live life peacefully ... i am not here to compete with world and try to justify everyone that i am the best...
i always wanted a family , a baby a wife with whom i can share my feelings and she can console me for that but it never turned out to be true , i never got the moral support i always wanted from my wife hence i till date dont like sharing anything to my wife good or bad.
I can say mentally, and by heart i am not satisfied with the kind of person i was looking for as my wife. My Wife is very good, decent, jolly , intelligent and sophisticated but she is too good for me like person who is not even 1% of my wife and she have told this to me alot of time and asked question to me "ho kya tum, an anpadh - gawaar".
Truth is i am bit old fashioned myself but i am very open minded for my wife and i feel proud for her but she is shy when with me..
She have lot of questions for me which i dont like as she always doubts me for everything i do ... can someone please help her understand that i am not that bad to be doubted every time ...I am living in hell as of now but my daughter needs me more than anyone in this world and hence i am taking all this pain ...
i know i am not per her expectations but there are 2 ways we both can live, either together compromising on letting us be what we are or to separate which will not atall be good for my daughter. she loves both of us a lot.
Its not like i dont love my wife but i hate her for what she does to me , she tourchers me mentally... I have not had a proper sleep for so many days and never she asked one simple question "HOW ARE YOU"?
But she expects that i call her , ask her how is she , talk to her but please someone tell her the mental pressure i am with i cant really make this to work...
Please do not misunderstand or misinterpret me but my wife is a different nurtured person and i am totally different , people say opposite attracts but in my case it is not true.
I know i am not caring , nor romantic but this is how i am ... not been romantic doesn't mean i dont love my wife nor it means i hate her and hence i avoid her.
I believe if there is peace there is happiness and i dont know how my wife defines "PEACE" but for for me Peace is nothing but state of mind which makes you feel very lucky and happy when you are with someone special or you do something good for someone else.
This Peace is lacking from our life as i dont know what my wife exactly wants and she feels that i am unable to meet with her expectations....hence this unstability.
What she dont understand is every person is capable of doing something at his/her capacity, for instance her father expected her to be an IAS officer but she finds herself not capable enough to crack IAS or lets say she dont want to be a programmer so what ever or however i try to force her do these she will not be successful. The reason can be anything lack of self confidence, in capability to do , stress or anything else... Conclusion is the same cannot be done and has to be expected by her father, her near and dear ones...
This is a human nature and she has to understand this imples to every living being in this world. hence inspite of trying my level best i cant meet her expectations. I always hope she understand this.
The truth is i love my wife when she is with me and in good mood which is very rare ..but rest of the time we are fighting for something or the other....like some 5 yrs old kids.
It is ego issue as well between us which comes in between and restricts us for been a good couple.
I did not wanted life to be so stressful, but i wanted life to be smooth and happy but again this is not what god have thought for me... so lets see how this goes on ....
Journey is yet to start i feel ..hope i live a stressless and peaceful life with my wife and daughter ....
God Please make this workout somehow as i cant live without both of then... i am telling this from the bottom of my heart as i need them both in my life ............
No comments:
Post a Comment